Don't even think that I'm gonna put something funny up here this time around you greedy bastard!
--LOVE INTEREST--
We had completed our first true mission. We had defeated an evil demon queen and we had saved our friend Naomi. With whom Frostee had fallen madly in love. SWEET JESUS! This means there is no chance of him and Anilla hooking up. Maybe this is a sign from the gods that I will get into Anilla's pants...and into her shirt.
As we all now knew, Anilla was deeply in love with Frostee. So she didn't take too kindly to the fact that Naomi was stealing his heart. Whilst I was lost in all of these remeniscent thoughts, I walked straight into a tree. We had to stop so that Anilla could heal my wounds. Oh my god yes! I wish that I could get a little healing every day. While I was lying on the ground screaming in impish agony, Frostee called Naomi aside and they snuck away into some bushes. As always, I was the only one of our party to notice this oddity and I quickly pointed it out to them.
"Hey you guys!" I whispered, "Carry me over to those bushes and hide, I'd like to hear what Frostee has to say to Naomi."
Girdle and Stumpy proceeded to pick me up and carry me over to the bushes where we all hid and watched the exchange between out two evil mage friends
--NOT PLAGARIZING A HIT SITCOM ON NBC--
"Naomi," Frostee said, "I know that most of the time I seem like a pretty violent man, and I seem to not care about anyone else in the party. But that is not true. Recently, I have found someone in the party whom I care deeply about, and the person is you."
Frostee dropped to one knee.
Naomi gasped.
"He's going to kill her!" Girdle whispered, we were still hiding.
"Girdle, he's just going to propose," Stumpy explained.
"Propose to kill her?!"
"Girdle, shut up!"
"Naomi, I know that this is a bit short notice, but would you marry me?"
Frostee had professed his love, and proposed to a girl, without firing off any magic missiles or fireballs to spell out her name. You don't want to know about the last time that happened. I'll just say that two of Frostee's previous girlfriends have travelled to the Great Beyond, and one of them took a short journey to the Crystal Mountain Medieval Mental Rehabilitation Center, where she hung herself.
Just then, Girdle dropped me.
"OUCH! SHIT!"
Frostee suddenly noticed the bush, where we were hiding. "Did that bush just curse?" He asked.
"No," Naomi said offhandedly, "Now get back to your proposal."
"Will you marry me, Naomi?" Frostee pulled a ring out of his back pocket. He handed it to her, she smiled and put it on.
"Yes, Oh yes I will!"
"Praise the Lord!" I said, a bit too loudly.
Frostee stared at the bush again, "Did that bush just praise the lord?!" He asked.
"No it didn't, now come on, we have to start planning a wedding!" Naomi grabbed Frostee and dragged him away.
--ANILLA IS MINE! ANILLA IS MINE!--
That evening, Frostee and Naomi made their proud announcement to the group. They also discussed with us, exactly which of us could be in the wedding and which of those would play which roles. Though they shared a deep hatred for eachother, Frostee chose Stumpy to be his best man, and Girdle to be his Groomsman. Anilla, much to her own dismay, was asked to be Naomi's Maid of Honor. And I, being the shortest and most childish one of the group was volunteered to play both the part of the ring bearer, and the flower girl. I could tell that this would be one fun wedding.
Frostee and Naomi retreated to a tent, which they shared now. The rest of us sat around the fire and joked around for several hours. During this time, I attempted to bring myself a bit closer to sweet-breasted Anilla, I knew she needed me in her time of sorrow. Here is basically how our conversation went.
Me: Hey Anilla, do you work for the Royal
Delivery Service?
Anilla: No! Why?
Me: Cause I swear I just saw you checking out my package. (I make
several pelvic thrusts in her direction)
Anilla: Do you have any idea how disgusting that is?
Me: Well, it'll be much more disgusting if you don't let me
into your pants!
Anilla: Now that's just plain stupid.
Me: Yeah, well, you're stupid!
Anilla's Hand Introducing Itself to My Face: SLAP!
Me: Ouch! Shit! That hurt.
For reasons that I do not want to disclose, that night I decided to postpone my attempts to get it on with Anilla. I'll just tell you that with a Constitution of 11, I can't take a lot of slaps from some dumb, stupid, beautiful, sweet, funny, intelligent, big-breasted...wait...what was I talking about?
--1 800 BULLSHIT--
Naomi and Frostee immediately started planning for their big day. Dresses and tuxes were selected, Girdle was selected as the clergyman to lead the ceremony, and finally invitations were sent. Naomi's parents received them, my parents received them, Stumpy's parents, all of our friends from the good old days, there was just one problem. No one knew who Frostee's parents were, not even Frostee. He had been abandoned as an infant and raised by a psycotic maniac who brainwashed Frostee to take over the world in three years, but we'll get to that later.
We decided that we would seek the divine knowledge of a sage in order to determine who Frostee's parents were, and so we traveled into the nearest town. We stopped a man on the street.
"Excuse us, sir," Naomi spoke, "but where might we find the local sage or fortune teller?"
The man answered slowly, "She is in that tent over there, but be careful, she is a very strange foreigner."
We proceeded to the tent and entered slowly, a large woman with strange clothing and puffy brown hair was sitting at a small table with a deck of special cards.
"Allo, me children, I am Miss Cleo, de fortune teller. I can tell you much about your life. Trust me, it's all in the cahds!"
"What a horrible accent," Stumpy whispered quietly.
"Shhhh." Naomi quieted him, then turned to Miss Cleo, "Miss Cleo, could you tell us who this man's parents are?"
"Yes, but first, let me read some of your other fortunes. You!" She pointed to Girdle, who watched intensely, "I see that you are a monk!"
"No shit, he's wearing a monk's robe!" Stumpy again.
"Yes, but the cahds told me that he was a monk."
"What cards? You didn't even flip over a card!" Stumpy again.
Miss Cleo ignored Stumpy and continued with Girdle.
"You have one distant relative who has died in your lifetime. Is that true?"
Girdle was completely mesmerized, "That is true, my great aunt Harlock died thirteen years ago!"
Stumpy stood and spoke again, "This is complete bullshit! Everyone has had a relative who has died, and obviously he is a monk, he's wearing a monk's robe, this is crap! I'm leaving." Stumpy headed for the door of the tent, but before he could reach it, Miss Cleo spoke to him.
"Wait my child, let me tell you the truth about yourself!" She pulled a card from the deck and placed it onto the table, "Ah, this, my child, is the Great Penis Cahd, you are a very well-endowed man!"
Stumpy stopped suddenly and turned around, "How did you know that?"
She then pulled out another card, "And this one here is the Flaming Homosexuality Cahd."
"That can't be right!" Stumpy proclaimed, "I'm not gay!"
Another card was removed from the deck. "And this cahd is the Horrendous Liar Cahd."
Stumpy sat down and didn't say another word.
Girdle spoke up, "Pull a card out for me!"
Miss Cleo did so and placed this card on the table. "This cahd is the Friggin' Dumbass Cahd,"
"What does that one mean?" Girdle asked.
"Well," I spoke, "She's obviously right on that one!"
The party laughed.
"Don't mock your friends, you have no idea what your cahd might say."
"Well, what do they say, Miss 'I have a horrible fake accent' Cleo."
She removed a card from the top of the deck.
"Ah, this is a very rare cahd, it is the 'Just-Face-It, You're Going to Be a Virgin When You Die Cahd'."
That shut me up.
"Enough of this nonsense," Naomi piped up, "Tell us who Frostee's parents are!"
Miss Cleo reached underneath her table and pulled out a small fortune ball. She stared into it fiercely.
"I see that you have much godlike power flowing from your body. In fact, you were actually born of a god, thus you are half-god. One of your parents is very dark. He is evil, and his name starts with an 'h'. He is so very powerful that speaking his name is forbidden."
We gasped.
"Hastur?" Frostee questioned.
"Yes," Miss Cleo answered, "And your mother, she has a very strange appearance. She resembles someone you used to know, maybe a teacher, or a good friend. This friend died a tragic death not so long ago. Do you have any friends like that?"
"Yes, Sirus."
"Sirus," Miss Cleo continued, "I see horrible things about this Sirus, things with animals that I'd rather not discuss. But your mother is not Sirus, she only resembles Sirus, this is because she is Sirus's twin. Have you met anyone who resembled Sirus."
We all gasped, "WussyFruit?!"
"Yes," Miss Cleo answered, "Hastur and WussyFruit are your parents."
We attempted not to figure out exactly how that one worked.
--DEFINETELY NOT PLAGARIZING A HIT SITCOM ON NBC--
"You never told me my fortune, Miss Cleo," Anilla spoke.
"Oh, yes," Miss Cleo pulled a card from the deck, "you are pregnant, this is the pregnancy card, you are going to have a child!"
"Pregnant," Anilla questioned, "But who have I slept with in the past several months," she thought for a moment and then she cried the name in despair, "Morpheus?!"
The party gasped and pointed to me, "Him?"
"Me?" I asked.
Anilla could only utter one word,
"SHIT!"