Guess what, I'm not even going to put a message up here about not reading the previous stories, because if you haven't read the previous stories then you wouldn't even get this joke. Dammit! I did put a message up here.
--DEEP IN THE DANGEROUS DEN OF DARKNESS--
There we all stood at the opening of a huge dark cave.
"Why must all of our adventures take place in caves?" Stumpy asked smartly.
"Because the great Creator is too lazy to create anything more original!" Frostee yelled, moments later a large rock fell on him, luckily he survived.
We stared deep into the dark cave and contemplated what evils could lie within.
"You first!" I shoved Girdle forward.
"Naturally I should be first," Girdle said calmly, "I am the monk of the party."
We quietly chuckled behind him, he laughed too, because he had no idea why we were laughing. Girdle stepped into the murkiness. Suddenly a strange deep voice bellowed forth.
"Oh yes, right there baby! Who's your daddy? Who's your daddy?!"
Slowly, we approached the source of the voice. Around a bend in the cave we could see a faint flickering light. We pushed forward. There in front of us was a small gnome sitting on the ground with his back against the wall. He was using the light of a small lamp to read a strange booklet. He was wearing no pants.
"Oh yeah, you're the greatest baby!"
"What the hell are you doing?" Anilla quietly questioned.
"Oh my god! I didn't see you there," the gnome said as he looked up at us. He quickly dropped the booklet and stood.
"Who are you?" Anilla said.
The small gnome answered boldly, "I am Luke, The Horny Leg-Humper, guardian of the Den of Darkness and Honored Gnome Henchman of the Evil Demon Goddess."
We all snickered.
"Don't laugh at me or I'll be forced to hurt you!" He challenged us.
"And how exactly were you planning on that?" Stumpy questioned, "Our party has a fighter, a druid, and a powerful evil mage!"
"And a monk!" Girdle added.
"Just for your information," Luke boasted, "I have a very powerful attack ability!"
"And what might that be?" Girdle asked.
"This!" Luke yelled. He ran forward and clasped himself around Girdle's leg. Then he started crazily humping Girdles left leg while screaming like an animal.
"Oh my god!" Girdle screeched, "Get this perverted thing off of me!"
Luke just kept going, humping crazily while Girdle frantically attempted to shake him off. The whole ordeal was hilarious, until Luke deciced to attempt to hump Anilla's leg.
"Don't you touch her you freak or I'll kill you!" I threatened him.
He jumped onto Anilla's leg and started humping madly again, like a crazed animal.
"I'll get him with my sword!" Stumpy yelled as he raised his sword and charged forward wildly.
"Stop!" Anilla commanded, "Don't cut off my leg."
"I'll get him off Anilla," I said.
"No!" She raised her voice, "The last thing I want is you touching me!"
I lowered my head in shame and walked away.
"Frostee, why don't you get him off?" Anilla suggested.
"Alright," Frostee stood, "as long as you don't mind being torched."
"I meant come pull him off, show me some of your amazing strength," Anilla pleaded.
"Exactly how would I benefit from coming over there and helping you?" Frostee still didn't get it.
Luke kept humping madly.
"I'll use my awesome monk strength to pull him off Anilla!" Girdle went towards her and grasped the tiny gnome and attempted to pull him off. Luke let out a horrifying scream and clamped his teeth down on Girdle's hand.
"Sonuvabitch that hurts!" Girdle rose up grasping his hand in pain.
Luke, the gnome pervert, continued humping madly.
"If I keep doing this for several hours you'll start to feel your health being sucked away," Luke gasped as he continued his business.
"Won't you be tired by then?" Anilla asked intelligently.
"No," Luke paused for a breath, "I'm, -huff-, not, -huff-, tired, -huff-, at, -huff-, all!"
Anilla reached down and pulled Luke off of her leg, "Why don't you sit down and take a break?" she urged.
"Fine, but after that, you guys are going down!" He obeyed, and sat in his spot next to the lamp. He picked up his magazine and started reading again.
"What's in the booklet?" Anilla asked, trying to make conversation.
"Gnome porno," Luke answered, "None you guys would like it."
"Oh really," Stumpy disagreed, "I haven't seen any porno that I didn't enjoy, let me see that."
Luke passed the booklet to Stumpy, who opened the book to it's centermost section and unfolded a large painted portrait. He studied the picture closely. A series of strange pained expressions crossed his face.
"Interesting, I've always wanted to study the gnome female body," Stumpy said, attempting to hide his disgust.
"Actually," Luke corrected, "that's a guy."
Stumpy threw the booklet to the ground in a flash.
"Jeez! Why are you looking at that!?" Stumpy asked.
"That was a picture of me," Luke explained, "I used to pose for these booklets until I lost my equipment in an unfortunate accident."
"What kind of equipment?" Girdle asked.
Anilla leaned over and whispered an explanation to Girdle.
"What kind of unfortunate accident was it?" Stumpy asked.
"We were doing a portrait of me as a knight, and I dropped my sword..." Luke muttered guiltily.
We all winced in pain.
"I know how you feel," Anilla said comforting the poor little gnome.
"Huh?" We all looked to Anilla.
"I didn't mean anything like that," Anilla covered her mistake.
"You guys don't need any help do you?" Luke asked us.
"Well maybe if you put some pants on then we wouldn't mind you tagging along," Anilla offered.
--EVEN DEEPER INTO THE DANGEROUS DEN OF DARKNESS--
While Luke put some pants on, I pulled Stumpy and Frostee away from the others and talked to them.
"When are you guys going to kill Girdle?" I asked.
"We will soon," Frostee whispered.
"We have a plan," Stumpy said.
"Does that plan involve something dangerous that would also kill other members of the party?" I asked as I looked to Frostee.
"Well, we can think of a new plan," Frostee uttered.
"Yes, maybe one that wouldn't kill the rest of us Frostee, please," I advised as I they turned and walked away.
Luke returned, with some overly baggy pants on, and we pushed forward into the haunting darkness of the cave.
We walked through a tight enclosed hallway for a while until we came into a medium-sized central room. On either side of the room were two doors and ahead of us was a staircase leading up to a high landing on which there was another door. At the base of this staircase rested two gargoyles who stared ahead at us.
Stumpy stepped forward and suddenly the garoyles raised their heads with life, they looked in our direction and started screeching madly. Stumpy and Girdle dove forward attacking the gargoyles. Stumpy sliced with his sword, but it shattered into pieces. Girdle attacked with his hand, but he broke his knuckles.
"You dumbasses!" Anilla yelled, "You don't hit a solid rock with a sword or your fist."
One of the gargoyles slashed his claws towards Girdle's chest but Girdle tripped and fell away from the dangerous creature. The other gargoyle kicked Stumpy in the chest and threw him to the ground.
I hid in shadows when no one was looking and slowly made my way around behind one of the gargoyles. Frostee picked up a rock and threw it at one of the gargoyles, it bounced off, useless.
"Frostee, use a spell!" Stumpy suggested.
"The room's too small, a fireball would kill all of you guys!" Frostee replied.
"You have spells other than Fireball, Frostee!" Stumpy reminded him.
Anilla ran to Stumpy and placed her hands on his
chest, she rubbed softly while chanting and healed his wounds. Stumpy
looked to me with a smile and mouthed something very naughty.
I stepped up to the back of one of the gargoyles, attempting to
backstab him, and at the same time Frostee threw several sling bullets at
both of the gargoyles. The one in front of me moved out of the way of 3 of
the bullets, and they all hit me square in the head. I flew backwards
about 4 feet and crashed into a stone wall.
"Anilla," I called, "I need to be healed."
I waited for her to come over and heal me in the same manner that she had healed Stumpy, but instead she just tossed a bottle of potion in my direction.
"Drink that!" She called back.
Stumpy and Girdle jumped up and attacked the
gargoyle nearest them, while Luke madly humped the gargoyles short, stone
leg. They knocked him to the ground, he was not moving. The other gargoyle
cowered in the corner for several moments before he returned to his
original stone state.
We decided to go through the door on the left of us. It led into a
small dining room in which sat a table surrounded by six chairs. On the
table were six plates and six sets of silverware. At the back of the room,
there was a door that led into a small unoccupied kitchen.
We returned to the main hall and decided to travel through the door
on the left. We stepped through the doorway and now we were in a large
library and study. All around us were shelves full of thousands of books.
"Look at all the books!" Girdle exclaimed amazed.
"I wonder what they are?" Anilla asked.
"Most of it is just more gnome porno," Luke said honestly.
"Oh," Anilla understood.
"Yeah, the master used to have all of her books in here, but she emptied the room and let me use it," Luke explained.
"Who is your master?" Frostee asked.
"Some hot demon chick named Mary," Luke said.
"What?!" Stumpy jumped, "You mean Mary kidnapped Naomi?"
"I don't know," Luke shook his head, "The only thing that I know anything about is porn, and then all I know about is pictures of myself."
"Sounds like Stumpy," Frostee muttered under his breath.
Stumpy was too surprised about Mary to even notice what Frostee had said.
"Take us to your master," Stumpy demanded of Luke.
"Sure," Luke said calmly, "But she's probably just going to kill you!"
--THE DEEPEST POINT OF THE DEN OF DARKNESS--
We walked through the final door. We were in a large bedroom. The air was filled with smoke, and on the far side of the room, we could see a large beautiful bed. The bed was covered in red velvet linens and on top of it all lay Mary, in skimpy red lingerie.
"Stumpy, come have sex with me," She commanded.
"Okay!" Stumpy exclaimed excitedly.
"Stumpy, don't, shes an evil demon from Hell!" Anilla warned.
"I may be an evil demon from Hell, Stumpy, and I'm not denying that, but I am a woman, and I will sleep with you, and that's rare," Mary argued.
"Good point," Stumpy agreed as he ran to the bed and jumped onto it.
Suddenly the bed dissapeared into the floor, we heard Stumpy scream somewhere in the distance.
"You fools," Mary said, as she reappeared in the room, "you fell right into my trap!"
"Yeah," Girdle argued, "Well you fell right into our trap!"
"What trap?" Mary asked.
"This one!" Girdle said as he ran forwards and started punching Mary as hard as he could in the gut. She laughed maniacally.
"Ouch! Oh, you're hurting me so much!"
She picked up Girdle by his wrists and raised him into the air.
"Take a kick to the balls!" He yelled as he kicked her in the crotch.
"Girdle!" Anilla called, "Girls don't have balls,"
"Yes they do," Girdle yelled back, "The one that I slept with the other night had balls!"
We laughed at Girdle's expense again.
Mary raised Girdle into the air and then threw him into the far wall. Frostee raised his hands preparing to cast fireball. The flames jumped from Frostee hands and sped towards Mary, she didn't budge, the flames seemed to bounce off of her body.
"Crap!" yelled Frostee, "She has some kind of protection,"
"Yes, you fool! I have cast Protection from Evil, on myself!" She responded.
"Wait," I said, "Aren't you evil?"
She looked at us, then she let out a horrifying scream, "No! You discovered my secret!"
Her body burst into flames. Luke watched his master fall to the ground dead, and then he turned to the rest of us.
"You killed my master!" He yelled. He ran straight for Frostee and started humping his leg.
Then Girdle ran to Frostee and sat down on the ground, then he started humping Luke.
"What the hell are you doing Girdle?" Frostee asked.
"I figured it out!" Girdle said, "If you hump him back then he will be destroyed,"
"That's just perverted!" Frostee yelled, "Now get off of me!"
"Watch," Girdle argued, "I think I've weakened him!"
Then Girdle, who was still on Frostee's leg, grabbed Luke and pulled him off of Frostee's leg and threw him into the wall, we heard a crack as his skull shattered. Girdle remained on Frostee's leg, humping madly.
"Dude!" Frostee yelled, "Get the hell off of me!"
"No wait just a couple more seconds," Girdle said as he continued.
Frostee kicked Girdle with his other leg until
Girdle let go. He lay on the floor in pain. The rest of us walked over to
where the bed had been, there was a hole in the floor. We jumped down into
the hole, there ahead of us was a narrow passageway that led into another
large room with a bed in it. Naomi lay on this bed, chained to the bed
posts, she was malnourished, but still surprisingly beautiful. Frostee
couldn't help but stare, he was mezmerized by Naomi's beauty, Anilla
noticed where Frostee's attention was focused and turned away in anger.
We went to Naomi and removed her chains, all of us except for Frostee
that is, he remained in the same position that he had been in before,
still completely mezmerized.
Naomi was glad to be out of the bed and she thanked us for caring
enough to come and find her.
Behind the bed to which Naomi had been chained, we found a door that
opened to a staircase, which traveled out of theden and into the outside
world. At the top of this staircase we found Stumpy, he looked pretty
tired.
"What happened?" He asked us.
"We killed Mary and saved Naomi," Anilla told him.
"You killed Mary?" Stumpy asked.
"Yes, we did," I told him.
Stumpy headed back down the staircase into the cave again.
"Where're you going?" Naomi asked.
"I have to bring her body back with us," He said as he dissapeared down the stairs.
We waited.
Moments later Stumpy returned with the partly charred corpse of Mary in a large bag over his shoulder.
"Let's hurry back to town," He said anxiously.
"Stumpy," Anilla adressed him, "We all know what you're going to do with that body."
"Yeah," Stumpy said calmly, "I'm going to bury it."
"Whatever," Anilla mumbled.
"What?" Stumpy asked.
"Oh nothing," Anilla replied.
"You guys are sick," Stumpy claimed, "I swear that I'm just going to have sex wi -- I mean, bury Mary's body."
We all laughed hysterically as we walked off into the sunset, awaiting the further adventures in which we would partake.