I suggest you read the first two stories just so you know what's going on, and if you don't want to read the first two stories then, screw you! But please continue reading this story.
--THANK GOODNESS THAT CONCERT IS OVER--
That night had been a good one. The girl I loved
told me that she liked a crazy freak who had just torched a theater full
of 2,000 people. Our band was responsible for the death of over 1,000
people and a large amount of money in damaged property. It was late and we
were all drunk, and so we headed back to Mary's inn. On the way back we
saw people running through the streets, some of them were on fire, some of
them weren't, but all of them were now hideously afraid of Frostee. We got
back to the inn and stepped inside. The entire place had been ransacked.
The people inside were screaming a various number of things, but the one
thing that many of them were yelling was, "They kidnapped Mary!"
"Oh my God!" Stumpy yelled, "they kidanpped Mary. We
have to save her!"
Here we go, another useless waste-of-time adventure to rescue some
useless person whom one of us was having a sexual relationship with. Then
we went up to our rooms. They had been ransacked as well, all of our
equipment had been stolen, and then we found the note,
"You people are the stupidest so-called adventurers that I
have ever met. You losers decided to kill a couple hundred people, and now
there is a reward on your heads. You idiots left me here when you know I
can't be trusted, now I've stolen all of your supplies and I've kidnapped
Stumpy's love interest!!! All because I want to be noticed, you guys never
even notice me. Sincerely, Naomi."
We all read the letter, astonished. We decided that the next day we
would venture into the Forest of Strange Darkness That Has Nullifying
Effects on Frostee's Powerful Fireball, to find Naomi and rescue Mary from
her. That night though, we would get a good rest.
--STRANGE
NOISES FROM SIRUS'S ROOM--
Usually at night, we would expect strange noises
to be coming from Stumpy's room, but he had gotten some from Mary, so I
guess he didn't need to pleasure himself anymore. No one ever expected to
hear strange noises from Sirus's room.
That night though, Girdle awoke late in the night, after the rest of
us had fallen asleep. He was just headed to the outhouse when he walked by
Sirus's room and heard the strange painful squealing inside. This was not
the squealing of a human though, this was the squealing of an animal.
Girdle slowly opened Sirus's door and screamed in horror.
There was Sirus completely naked, which wasn't that bad, what was bad
was the fact that the squealing was coming from the large female beaver
Sirus was laying on top of.
Sirus looked to Girdle and yelled, "I swear it's not what you
think it is!"
"Oh good," Girdle said stupidly, "for a second I
thought that you were having sexual intercourse with that large female
beaver whom you are laying on top of naked."
Sirus searched for an explanation that would please dumb old Girdle,
which wasn't that difficult.
"I was just checking this beaver's oral hygeine."
"Oh that's good, we don't need anymore beavers with cavities!"
Girdle said something stupid again.
That's when Frostee and I woke up and went to Sirus's room. We heard
Girdle and Sirus talking down the hall.
"What the hell is going on here?" I asked, then we saw
Sirus.
"OH MY HOLY GOD!" Frostee yelled.
"You're doing a beaver Sirus!" I observed.
"I know that!" Sirus said smartly.
"Actually I'm not a beaver, I am an Evil Mage who just
polymorphed into a beaver because I'm looking to kill all of the members
of the infamous Killing Band!" At that instant the beaver transformed
into an old elven man.
"You had your 'thing' in that thing?" Girdle asked in his
infinite stupidity.
"Well there's not many other ways to have sex Girdle,"
Sirus explained.
"Shut up!" The mage said angrily, "I must kill all of
you, because you killed my father!"
"I think you have us confused with another group of experienced
and intelligent adventurers named The Killing Band," Sirus said.
"Dammit, I thought that I had finally found my fathers
murderers," The mage exclaimed.
"So you aren't going to kill us?" I asked.
"I won't kill all of you," the mage said calmly, "I'll
just kill this dumb-ass cleric because he was perverted enough to attempt
to have sex with a member of another species."
At that instant he launched six magic missiles right into Sirus's
torso. Sirus was charred and he fell to the ground uttering his last words
of life,
"You shot me you assthole! Dammit my listhp came back!"
Then he was dead.
--THE JOURNEY TO THE DEN OF DARKNESS--
The next day, an old man ran up to us on the
street and told us that we would have to travel to the Den of Darkness to
find the woman whom we were searching for. He told us that we would have
to journey through the Woods of the Wicked and the Forest of Fright, which
were just past the Desert of the Desolate, which was right over the River
of Rampage, but the final and most difficult test would be the Hills of
Happiness.
Usually old men aren't that smart and usually we have to pay for info
with that many details, but this was a very generous old man.
We decided that we would definitely need some extra help and so we
recruited two people. One of these was Anilla, the hot elven druid with
the gorgeous..., the other one was Max, a bard who
had absolutely no use whatsoever.
We used our large amount of cash, which we had collected after
killing the largest creature in the last adventure we had completed, to
purchase brand new equipment and supplies, since Naomi had stolen all of
our old ones.
Off we went into the unknown, on our longest journey ever, the
journey to save Mary, and hopefully along the way, I'd kill Girdle and
Frostee, and Anilla would fall in love with me!