This past week we were offered our first major concert gig. Usually we are hired to perform at small taverns and night clubs, but those jobs do not pay well because you must rely on donations from an audience. A beautiful young woman walked into our offices, which is actually an outhouse full of cow manure, last Thursday and asked if we would like to perform in Large Central City to celebrate the opening of their new outdoor theatre. She told us that the audience wouldn't be drunk, and that the gig paid 700GP!!! We promptly agreed and prepared ourselves for the long trek to Large Central City.
--THE TREK TO LARGE CENTRAL CITY--
The trek from Wherever to Large Central City was a long and dangerous one that required the passing though a certain haunted cave that seemed to appear whenever the great creator is too lazy to be original and think up an idea for an interesting adventure. We began our trek by travelling to the Convientely Located Store and Tavern Owned by a Guy Who Always Seems to Have Some Interesting and Helpful Secrets to Disclose. (I can't believe he could paint all of that on one sign). We used our large source of money, found after killing the largest creature in our last dungeon, to purchase every useful piece of material we possibly could. After that, he told us that the only way to kill the evil monster in the Mysteriously Linear Cave was to fireball it. That made Frostee pretty happy!
--DEEP IN THE MYSTERIOUSLY LINEAR CAVE--
So, on the outskirts of town we
stepped into the mysterious cave, that, for some strange reason, was the
only way we could reach Large Central City. After our entire party entered
the cave something incredibly suprising happened, an avalanche caused the
entrance of the cave to crumble, blocking the way from which we came.
Phew! I would have never suspected that. Then we came into the first "room"
of the cave in which there were three small kobolds. We stopped. I was
beginning to pull out my short bow as Girdle and Naomi dove for the
creatures, and Stumpy screamed and ran to the back of the room, but it was
too late. Frostee's fireball wiped all of them out. At once we all turned
to look at him.
"Frostee! You dumbass!" Stumpy yelled.
"Why in the hell did you waste your fireball like that?!" I
screamed in anger.
"Well," came his reply, "the room was big enough for a
fireball, and I was worried that you guys wouldn't be able to take out
those kobolds."
"What the F#@%!?" Girdle screamed. "You didn't think
that I could take out three kobolds. I'm a level two monk! I do 1d6 of
damage with my bare hands!"
Everybody was laughing at Girdle, but at the same time we were
wondering what a 1d6 was.
After our little kobold encounter we entered a room in which there
were two pits of water and a large wooden door on the other side. Sirus
walked to the door and attempted to pull it open. It didn't budge.
"You guysth," Sirus said in his horrible lisp, "I
sthink it'sth broken."
"Wait one sec, the door is wooden right, and this room is about
40 ft. long, so I'll just fireball the door, that should get it out of our
way." (Guess who said that.)
Naomi just sat in the corner and said nothing. I walked over to one
of the pits of water and looked inside.
"Hey, you guys," I said, "there's a switch at the
bottom of this pit of water."
"Thisth musth be another puthzzle," Sirus uttered
incoherently, "Why isth there one of thesthe in every dungeon we go
sthrough?"
"I bet if we drop this large stone, which is convientely located
right next to this pit, into the water then it will land on that switch
and press it down, causing the door to open." I said, because I am
the most intelligent person in the group.
"That won't work!" Girdle corrected me.
"Whysth not?" Sirus asked.
"Because..." Girdle struggled for something intelligent to
say, "...stones float."
Yet again we all laughed at Girdle. I was starting to change my mind
about killing him. He may have been completely and utterly useless, but he
was good for a laugh. Right about the time that Sirus and I got the rock
into the water, we heard the noise of a fireball spell being recited
behind us. Frostee had done it again, he had wasted a useful spell on a
completely simple task.
After passing through the charred remains of the door we were in the
largest room yet. The room was about thirty feet high. On one side of the
room there was a ledge that led up to the top of the chamber. On the other
side of the room there was a beggar leaning against the wall.
"I'm going to negothiathe wisth him." Sirus headed over to
the beggar. Sirus knealt down and tapped the beggar on the shoulder. At
that moment the beggar jumped to his feet with life and punched Sirus in
the face.
"It's the Large Evil Creature That Can Only Be Killed in Some
Strange Way, somewhat similar to the creatures that we end up fighting at
the end of every dungeon." What ensued was the most hilarious fight
ever.
--THE FIGHT WITH THE LARGE EVIL CREATURE THAT CAN ONLY BE KILLED IN SOME STRANGE WAY--
Thus the fight had begun.
"Frostee, fireball it!" I yelled.
Frostee raised his hands in the air and chanted the fireball spell,
it failed.
"Justht our luck!" Sirus complained, "Frosthtee is out
of Fireball sthpellths."
"Out of fireball spells?" Frostee questioned, "How in
the hell did that happen?"
Just then the beggar's eyes began to glow in an evil red color.
Girdle, who had made it to the ledge at the top of the cave threw a rock
at it. He hit Sirus in the head.
"Wait one sec, let me throw another one!" Girdle screamed.
This time he hit Frostee, knocking him out.
"Good job, Girdle." Naomi said sarcastically.
"Yeah I know," Girdle boasted, "I knocked the monster
out!"
"That wasth Frosthtee, you dumbassth!" Sirus's insults just
didn't seem to work when he said them with such a horrible lisp.
"I got a better idea," Girdle lied, "How about I take
my pouch of lamp oil that I own for no particular reason, then stick my
torch in it, causing a large fireball." We told Girdle to try it. We
thought it would be hilariously funny to see him blow himself up and then
fall thrity feet.
Trust me, it was.
The fireball lit up the the room. Unfortunately, it distracted us
from the task at hand and the evil beggar knocked me to the ground.
"He's using some kind of hold spell on me!" I yelled, "Sirus
do something to him!"
"I can't," Sirus replied, "The only shtpellsth I have
are Talk to Animalsth, Make Love to Animalsth, and Masthturbate!"
"Use one of your weapons!" I suggested.
"I don't have any weaponsth, I justht have this sthtick, and
thisth magical sthtone of listhp," Sirus replied.
"A magical stone of lisp?" I questioned.
"Yesth." He replied.
"Throw that at him!" I yelled.
Sirus pulled out his stone of lisp and threw it at the beggar. The
stone hit him on the head and knocked him to the ground. He was dead.
"Yes!" Sirus yelled, "hey, I don't have a lisp any
more."
"Wow!" I yelled.
Then we looked around.
"Hey," Naomi said, "where's Stumpy?"
At that moment a hidden door in the wall was flung open, and there
was Stumpy.
"What happened?" He asked.
"You don't want to know," I answered.
"Where were you?" Sirus asked.
"I decided to split up from you guys and do this dungeon myself,"
Stumpy answered, "You should see how much XP I got, especially from
killing that big monster!"
"What big monster?" I asked.
"The one at the end of the dungeon." Stumpy answered.
"Who did we just kill?" Sirus asked.
"I don't know," Stumpy shrugged.
"We better get these bodies out of here," Naomi suggested.
We dragged the unconcious bodies of Girdle and Frostee out of the dungeon
and there before us was Large Central City.
...To be continued.